November Blues

I'm a sucker for the broken
The bruised is like a potion
Corrupted by the pain
An illusion  of a gain

The need to fix is my next fix
Words hurting "just for kicks"
Simply leaving never works
Guarantee it always hurts

Words like poison on your tongue
Love songs always gone unsung
Never what you want to hear
Reuse to shed one fucking tear

Waiting is like a slow death
Sucking out your soul till nothing's left
A curse you always can predict
Seeming to be on the hunt for conflict

Everyone said Poets had it Easy

If you let it, some poetry will kill you from the inside out. Before you even realize or have a chance to stop it, it'll turn your heart into stone while cutting off your brains control and access to your tear ducts and you'll be a heartless, crying mess. Poetry is like a hard drug you can't quit, always looking for the next fix. Even though you know it's terrible for you and going to ruin you, you'll search for it everywhere, hastily and obsessively, like the worst kind of addict. It will make a mess of you and you will make a mess of it, looking like a drunk stumbling out of a bar at 2am. Closing time, there's no room in here for love. 

New Beginnings and Lessons

In life, we are given many chances to decide what we want and to work for it. We are also given opportunities to learn what we don't want. As I said to a friend recently, and I don't take credit for this line, "Everything and everyone is a blessing or a lesson." The things that happen to us that are good are obviously ones that are noted as positive ones, but sometimes we lack actually being able to see what the negative ones mean. They're lessons! The lesson might not come right away, because you might experience some pain from whatever occurred, but in the end you'll realize you've learned and grown because of it. Maybe you're not quite ready to thank life for throwing you those curve balls, but hopefully at some point you will be, because they really actually become blessings in a way.

Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.

I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.

Questionable Romantic Thoughts

The scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.

The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.

People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.

I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.

"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."

Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws. 

It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me.  You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away. 

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

It's always been you.

L&C

Quiet minds & secret lives
"Facts" that sound just like lies
Back and forth as it goes
Flippant like the wind blows

"Casual" tears become runaways
Can't help but feeling played
System overloaded with shock
Feeling like you just got clocked

A punch to the gut
At least you're out of the rut
Happiness too much to handle?
Making your life into a scandal

So dizzy and lost
Distancing at what cost
Your words are heavy
Like my heart you levied

Memories & Misemotions

The odd thing about missing someone you're not in contact with is that it seems so misemotional. It's not one of those, I care about my friend/significant other and miss their presence, type of missing someone. It's a weird, strangely uncomfortable feeling that creeps in when you think about that person who used to be part of your life. Their name can pop up in conversation or on Facebook or the like, and suddenly you're walking down Reminiscing Lane. I constantly wish that life could be like Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, where they chose to forget all the memories of someone who was part of their life... except that I wish I could do it with very specific memories and not all of them. I don't want to lose all of someone's impact on my life; just those haunting memories that stick with me and won't go away no matter what I seem to do - bad or good.

Letter Writing Challenge #2

Edit: This letter is LONG after a break-up and not about getting over feelings, but about healing about the past relationships' damage done on me. 

Letter #1b:

Dear X,

I don't know that I'll ever fully understand you or why you did all of the things you did and why you appear to continue to be that same person while (still) claiming to be someone else, but I've found that with every day I care less and less. The power of forgiveness or moving on is that you don't need anyone else's apology or permission. I know you tried your best to get me to hold on and to not let you go, the way you couldn't (or can't) completely let me go, but turns out "they" were right when they said I was too good for you. The truth is that in retrospect I realized how literally insane I was being to stay with you - "insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" I honestly thought that if I tried being a better girlfriend or dressing prettier for you or buying cuter underwear or this and that the way you like it, that it would change things. It took a long time away from you to realize none of it had to do with me.

I should have picked up on the red flags, but there was something about you (probably the reason why chicks like you and why you have so many friends) that drew me in and wouldn't let go. I gave you so much without asking anything in return, because isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be about? Except it doesn't really work out when it's mostly one-way. Quickly I learned the things we had in common and the traits you claimed to have weren't as true as I thought and what was real wasn't enough. The pain I felt during our relationship was so hard for me to handle, it wrecked me. One friend even related you to being a campground burner: i.e. the campground rule is when you go camping, you leave the grounds the same or better as when you left and the same rule is sometimes said to apply to relationships. Well, congrats on slaughtering that rule.

In my life, I've always tried to take a view that I am in control of things and that things don't just "happen" to me, so that I don't feel like a victim, but sometimes people do awful things and act horribly and the only thing that one can find responsibility in is not waking up sooner and realizing what they were allowing themselves to be subjected to. And that is what I realized in retrospect. 20/20 hindsight, they say. And oh, how I wish (often) that I had known about your history or known what type of person you really were before I got involved. Before I shared with you my time, mind, secrets, and body.

Sometimes I think about the girls you're with and I realize exactly why nobody warned me about you - because when you're an ex, you just seem psychotic to say anything to a new girlfriend, even if you know them. It's brushed off as past jealousy or a bitter breakup. But no, I really do wish that people could know beforehand.

The truth is, I never yelled at you. I never said anything mean to you any of the times that you probably deserved it. Even at the worst moments, I kept my cool and I didn't say or do anything that was unbecoming. But the fact that you, without taking any responsibility, ever apologizing or admitting anything you'd done, tried to be my friend and have the best of both worlds, is such a fucking shitty thing to do to someone. I gave you such an easy out of my life: don't apologize, don't admit anything and we don't have to be friends. You can't treat people like crap, walk all over them, and then expect that just because you  still like them, that they still want to be friends with you or be in any contact with you. The fact that it took me SO MANY TIMES telling you to stop talking to me or trying to see me/talk to me in person when we ran into each other is ridiculous. You lied to my face so many times it's crazy. I wouldn't even tell my friends hardly anything because they were friends with you too and I didn't want to be that person who creates conflicts because of upsets (valid, but who cares?) or a breakup.

I tried a few times to say things to you, whenever you tried to talk to me in person, and it always ended with the same way things went when we were in a relationship. You, with your smooth talking, manipulating me and making me feel like a fool for bringing anything up. It didn't take long for me to be sick of even trying to be civil and point out anything to you! I couldn't even get any kind of closure or satisfaction with you so I realized the only way I'd get that was on my own.

So, here it lies: I want nothing to do with you. Not directly, not by association, not by social standards. From what I've observed directly and indirectly, you haven't changed at all and I want to be totally clean of you. Because we have so many friends in common, it's impossible to cut all secondhand ties to you, but I'll do whatever I have to to come close. You treated me HORRIBLY and most of it was you manipulating me so much that I was so blind to it, I couldn't even realize you were doing such nasty things to me and lying to me so much. You were such a coward and it still sickens me that I allowed that. Being around you makes my skin crawl and I deserve to be happy and free of you and those feelings. I won't let that control me or my life.

-D

PS. I call you Voldemort. :)

Letter Writing Challenge Intro and Letter #1

I found that I often have a lot of things I want to say to someone way after I have the chance to. 20/20 hindsight and all that. So, I found a letter writing challenge post online and decided that I'm going to do it here publicly on my blog. I'm not going to do every single day of the letters, because many of them don't apply to my life, but I will write a majority of them.

Letter #1a:

Dear X,

I've never known quite what to say to you and quite how to say it, which is often how I felt during our relationship. (It always made me laugh because writers are always supposed to have the "right words.") But I guess the first thing to say is thank you. I feel like out of all the different relationships I've had (of different sorts) with guys, ours was the most positive learning experience for me.

Although the end wasn't perfect, the relationship we did have was so wonderful that it taught me a lot of what I'm looking for in a significant other. The qualities you possessed and the way you treated me showed me how much I deserve and how nice it feels to have that. Our relationship is the only one I can talk fondly about and (at this point) without much hurt. I sincerely think that you helped me to regain a lot of sanity in relationships in general and your playful, kind attitude and how much care you showed for me was sincere and wonderful.

It always hurts to have a relationship end, whether it's your choice, someone else's choice, a mutual choice, or any mix of the above; especially unexpectedly. But I don't hold on to any distasteful feelings for the end; I remember the time fondly and hope that I always do. If we're being honest here, the way we broke up hurt. And it hurt for a while. I know I wasn't the only one who was hurt by it, but I definitely look back at our time together in a sad/happy way. Happy I had the chance to be with someone like you, but sad it ended the way it did, unexpectedly and too soon. I can only hope for your happiness and that I was as kind to you as I thought I was and that you enjoyed our time as much as it seemed.

So again, thank you. Thank you for being a good boyfriend and showing me good guys exist.

Daisy

No Regrets

When does this get easier; I need all the help that I can get
Forgetting you is a task within itself that I will soon regret
I promise in the end it'll all be worth the risk and pain
but the time it takes to get there is taking the fight out of me

I can't sleep, my eyes get heavy but they just won't close
The end is near, but exactly where, nobody knows
Overwhelming pressure to be like everyone else
It's as if our own identities have up and disappeared

Such sinister statements spoken in tongues
Your look upon me squeezing the breath out of my lungs
Crying out is pointless; it's as if I'm in a soundproof box
Just run away, far away, and never plan to return

2

Atypical behavior

Expecting a savior

Easily disappointed

Quickly disjointed

Rapid replies

Simple demise

Shallow breathing

Forever grieving

Intensely ashamed

Incorrectly blamed

Sorrowful glances

Empty romances

Jagged edges

Broken ledges

Foreign tongues

Empty lungs

Freezing

So fake, so cold

How bleak, how bold

Foreign languages we spoke

All the promises you broke

Every lie recited

And each cell ignited

Your lingering gaze

The always burning blaze

My never ending trek

To avoid an inevitable wreck

So oblivious; eyes closed

How hilarious; so composed

Indescribable

On the outside

There's a smile

Nothing to hide

At least for a while

It's easy to act nonchalant

Sure you're just fine

What is it we truly want

Alone, waiting for things to align

Because now the truth is clear

We're all searching for something real

Someone to protect us from what we fear

A place we don't have to pretend not to feel

Casually we breathe

Searching far and wide

Inside we secretly seethe

Wishing we had never lied

While it's me you haunt

I'm listening to the perfect cadence

More than simply what I want

Perfectly imperfect and shameless

Flames

Why don't I miss you

When you're so far away

The lies come out so fluently

I'm barely keeping up

I swear I'm not pretending

Shivering as you linger

Fingertips gliding

My world keeps on sliding

Inside out, upside down

How you manage to get me all turned around

Sweaty collisions

Careful incisions

Definitely nothing to do with booze

I promise this wasn't a ruse

And my bed is this constant reminder

As if this all wasn't hard enough

Pretending I don't give a fuck

Nothing ever seemed so difficult as this

Acting like nothing ever mattered

And you're certainly not shattered

Cliche statements resounding

This is apparently what I'm supposed to do

But I know that booze and boys

Won't get you out of my mind

The Switch

If it existed, I'd probably flip it off and leave it there for a while

Content with the silence

Passionately still and unfeeling

I swear in my head it all made sense

Eighteen and a light shade of jade

But I don't quite disbelieve

If we could just look up and see things for what they were

And let them disappear

Jotting down your thoughts like a form of therapy

Writing all over the sky like it will get you by

Pretending is your favorite art

Because if you felt what you faked

You'd be experiencing something real

Instead of wishing you could feel

"This Song is Not About You" - Not a Love Story (Really, it's not)

Feels like years and I've lost track of time

Who knows how long I've made you wait

Why do we miss the ones who hurt

It's as if we enjoy feeling lost

And I wanna tell you how much you've changed

But the truth is none of us are the same

And as I watch you dwindle

Afraid and confused

I try to tell myself it's not my fault

Did everything I could and got caught up

If this is what "done" feels like

You've still got my head in the game

Wondering what those words mean

I can't tell you where the end is

But I hope the light comes soon

Because fuck it, let's be honest

You were only in it for one thing

Got lost in yourself and gone for a while