Questionable Romantic Thoughts

The scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.

The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.

People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.

I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.

"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."

Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws. 

It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me.  You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away. 

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

It's always been you.

Letter Writing Challenge Intro and Letter #1

I found that I often have a lot of things I want to say to someone way after I have the chance to. 20/20 hindsight and all that. So, I found a letter writing challenge post online and decided that I'm going to do it here publicly on my blog. I'm not going to do every single day of the letters, because many of them don't apply to my life, but I will write a majority of them.

Letter #1a:

Dear X,

I've never known quite what to say to you and quite how to say it, which is often how I felt during our relationship. (It always made me laugh because writers are always supposed to have the "right words.") But I guess the first thing to say is thank you. I feel like out of all the different relationships I've had (of different sorts) with guys, ours was the most positive learning experience for me.

Although the end wasn't perfect, the relationship we did have was so wonderful that it taught me a lot of what I'm looking for in a significant other. The qualities you possessed and the way you treated me showed me how much I deserve and how nice it feels to have that. Our relationship is the only one I can talk fondly about and (at this point) without much hurt. I sincerely think that you helped me to regain a lot of sanity in relationships in general and your playful, kind attitude and how much care you showed for me was sincere and wonderful.

It always hurts to have a relationship end, whether it's your choice, someone else's choice, a mutual choice, or any mix of the above; especially unexpectedly. But I don't hold on to any distasteful feelings for the end; I remember the time fondly and hope that I always do. If we're being honest here, the way we broke up hurt. And it hurt for a while. I know I wasn't the only one who was hurt by it, but I definitely look back at our time together in a sad/happy way. Happy I had the chance to be with someone like you, but sad it ended the way it did, unexpectedly and too soon. I can only hope for your happiness and that I was as kind to you as I thought I was and that you enjoyed our time as much as it seemed.

So again, thank you. Thank you for being a good boyfriend and showing me good guys exist.

Daisy

Things I Ponder - Getting Older

Last Tuesday was my birthday and I started to think about age related things, and how getting older affects us all. Everyone has their own way of celebrating or "dealing with" their birthdays, (depending on how old they are turning) but most of all, we all notice the emotional and mental changes we experience as we get older. There's this internal drive or push to do certain things and be accomplished in different areas that clicks in as we reach certain milestones in our years.

Sometimes I start to wonder if we're restricted or enhanced by being so obsessed with age and each anniversary that we reach (whether we like it or not). Everything seems to be so date conscious; we base so many decisions and pass judgement on age. Another question would be is if these decisions and judgement are justified? Are we qualified to pass a judgement on someone and decide if they are worthy or unworthy of something simply based on how old they are?

We have these goals that almost seem like limitations: go to college and get a degree, get a fantastic, well-paying job by this age, fall in love by that age, be married by this age, have kids by that age, etc. The list seems endless. We have to accomplish all these certain things at these certain times and people judge us based on whether or not we have reached these goals at the right time.

If we reach our goals too soon, we can be judged for that too. One who has done this or that at an age perceived as "too young" is said to have "grown up too fast" or even been corrupted. Many laws are also based on age, such as when one can drive, live on their own, serve their country, buy and smoke cigarettes, buy and consume alcohol, among many others.

It came down to this intriguing question for me:

Would we be better off without these age limits and goals; would we get along better without them or would we fail miserably?

More on this later. Feel free to comment...I'd love to know what others think about this and how you would answer the question!