New Beginnings and Lessons

In life, we are given many chances to decide what we want and to work for it. We are also given opportunities to learn what we don't want. As I said to a friend recently, and I don't take credit for this line, "Everything and everyone is a blessing or a lesson." The things that happen to us that are good are obviously ones that are noted as positive ones, but sometimes we lack actually being able to see what the negative ones mean. They're lessons! The lesson might not come right away, because you might experience some pain from whatever occurred, but in the end you'll realize you've learned and grown because of it. Maybe you're not quite ready to thank life for throwing you those curve balls, but hopefully at some point you will be, because they really actually become blessings in a way.

Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.

I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.

Questionable Romantic Thoughts

The scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.

The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.

People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.

I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.

"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."

Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws. 

It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me.  You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away. 

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

It's always been you.

L&C

Quiet minds & secret lives
"Facts" that sound just like lies
Back and forth as it goes
Flippant like the wind blows

"Casual" tears become runaways
Can't help but feeling played
System overloaded with shock
Feeling like you just got clocked

A punch to the gut
At least you're out of the rut
Happiness too much to handle?
Making your life into a scandal

So dizzy and lost
Distancing at what cost
Your words are heavy
Like my heart you levied