November Blues

I'm a sucker for the broken
The bruised is like a potion
Corrupted by the pain
An illusion  of a gain

The need to fix is my next fix
Words hurting "just for kicks"
Simply leaving never works
Guarantee it always hurts

Words like poison on your tongue
Love songs always gone unsung
Never what you want to hear
Reuse to shed one fucking tear

Waiting is like a slow death
Sucking out your soul till nothing's left
A curse you always can predict
Seeming to be on the hunt for conflict

New Beginnings and Lessons

In life, we are given many chances to decide what we want and to work for it. We are also given opportunities to learn what we don't want. As I said to a friend recently, and I don't take credit for this line, "Everything and everyone is a blessing or a lesson." The things that happen to us that are good are obviously ones that are noted as positive ones, but sometimes we lack actually being able to see what the negative ones mean. They're lessons! The lesson might not come right away, because you might experience some pain from whatever occurred, but in the end you'll realize you've learned and grown because of it. Maybe you're not quite ready to thank life for throwing you those curve balls, but hopefully at some point you will be, because they really actually become blessings in a way.

Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.

I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.

Questionable Romantic Thoughts

The scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.

The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.

People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.

I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.

"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."

Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws. 

It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me.  You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away. 

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

It's always been you.

L&C

Quiet minds & secret lives
"Facts" that sound just like lies
Back and forth as it goes
Flippant like the wind blows

"Casual" tears become runaways
Can't help but feeling played
System overloaded with shock
Feeling like you just got clocked

A punch to the gut
At least you're out of the rut
Happiness too much to handle?
Making your life into a scandal

So dizzy and lost
Distancing at what cost
Your words are heavy
Like my heart you levied

No Regrets

When does this get easier; I need all the help that I can get
Forgetting you is a task within itself that I will soon regret
I promise in the end it'll all be worth the risk and pain
but the time it takes to get there is taking the fight out of me

I can't sleep, my eyes get heavy but they just won't close
The end is near, but exactly where, nobody knows
Overwhelming pressure to be like everyone else
It's as if our own identities have up and disappeared

Such sinister statements spoken in tongues
Your look upon me squeezing the breath out of my lungs
Crying out is pointless; it's as if I'm in a soundproof box
Just run away, far away, and never plan to return

Second Chance

So talking is a waste of time

Another chance for another line

Just one more opportunity to lie

Promises that will never be obliged

Complications that never arise

Alibis that she always buys

Listening to stories that never end

Something I would learn to apprehend

We all wait for the apology we'll never hear

So much easier just to disappear

I'd do it all over if I had the chance

Never looked back or took that second glance

Hiding

We hide tears with scarlet paint

Pretending just to save face

It's gone like the wind

And everything feels displaced

Forever loses its meaning

Facades are like new cars

Mismanaged habits

You hone your skills in bars

Overlapping feelings

Climbing up the walls

Trying to learn new tricks

While attempting not to fall

Repeating words we hear on tv

You see relationships as threats

Forgetting we're heartless

Sometimes I forget to forget

2

Atypical behavior

Expecting a savior

Easily disappointed

Quickly disjointed

Rapid replies

Simple demise

Shallow breathing

Forever grieving

Intensely ashamed

Incorrectly blamed

Sorrowful glances

Empty romances

Jagged edges

Broken ledges

Foreign tongues

Empty lungs

Freezing

So fake, so cold

How bleak, how bold

Foreign languages we spoke

All the promises you broke

Every lie recited

And each cell ignited

Your lingering gaze

The always burning blaze

My never ending trek

To avoid an inevitable wreck

So oblivious; eyes closed

How hilarious; so composed

Free

I could walk for hours just because

And sometimes the freeway off ramp

Appeals to me for some midnight walking

But something tells me that the late-night patrol officers

Would possibly consider that a suicide attempt

"But officers," I'd say, "I'm a happy girl"

Got a whole lot going for me

A big world to see

My whole life ahead of me"

"Dear girl," they'd say, "it's never the sad ones."

And we'd share this sad moment together

Not quite sure of what else there was to say

Because I knew they were right

Truth is, I'd never even consider that idea

It was just that walking against traffic was always this taboo

And in the moment, in the moonlit midnight of my neighborhood

I just wanted to see what it felt like to be free

Flames

Why don't I miss you

When you're so far away

The lies come out so fluently

I'm barely keeping up

I swear I'm not pretending

Shivering as you linger

Fingertips gliding

My world keeps on sliding

Inside out, upside down

How you manage to get me all turned around

Sweaty collisions

Careful incisions

Definitely nothing to do with booze

I promise this wasn't a ruse

And my bed is this constant reminder

As if this all wasn't hard enough

Pretending I don't give a fuck

Nothing ever seemed so difficult as this

Acting like nothing ever mattered

And you're certainly not shattered

Cliche statements resounding

This is apparently what I'm supposed to do

But I know that booze and boys

Won't get you out of my mind

Tick Tock

A stolen kiss

Rippling

Lips upturned

Giggling

My heart unburdened

And as I breathe

The clock stops

My heart throbs

Unbelievably romantic

All of these go*damn semantics

This fire inside consumes me

I have no time for this

Any methods of escape

I promise this I won't regret

Despite the unacceptable behavior

Promise you won't console me

I'd rather breathe on my own

Conspicuously bright

I swear I'll be alright

Knowing how to get back up

Prefer to see it all

Than to pretend I'm blind

I'd rather communicate

Without any words

Than to constantly just talk

The hell with average

I'd like to see it all

Every part of life

Intriguing and deceiving

I promise I'll survive

The Switch

If it existed, I'd probably flip it off and leave it there for a while

Content with the silence

Passionately still and unfeeling

I swear in my head it all made sense

Eighteen and a light shade of jade

But I don't quite disbelieve

If we could just look up and see things for what they were

And let them disappear

Jotting down your thoughts like a form of therapy

Writing all over the sky like it will get you by

Pretending is your favorite art

Because if you felt what you faked

You'd be experiencing something real

Instead of wishing you could feel

"This Song is Not About You" - Not a Love Story (Really, it's not)

Feels like years and I've lost track of time

Who knows how long I've made you wait

Why do we miss the ones who hurt

It's as if we enjoy feeling lost

And I wanna tell you how much you've changed

But the truth is none of us are the same

And as I watch you dwindle

Afraid and confused

I try to tell myself it's not my fault

Did everything I could and got caught up

If this is what "done" feels like

You've still got my head in the game

Wondering what those words mean

I can't tell you where the end is

But I hope the light comes soon

Because fuck it, let's be honest

You were only in it for one thing

Got lost in yourself and gone for a while