I Won't Break Down

You saved me just to break me
You made me just to leave
You found me and you lost me

The pain it comes in waves
Swimming in it
I don't feel anything anymore
My walls are closing in

Down I go, up I fall
Flailing, drowning
Can't hold on
Not at all

Letter Writing Challenge #2

Edit: This letter is LONG after a break-up and not about getting over feelings, but about healing about the past relationships' damage done on me. 

Letter #1b:

Dear X,

I don't know that I'll ever fully understand you or why you did all of the things you did and why you appear to continue to be that same person while (still) claiming to be someone else, but I've found that with every day I care less and less. The power of forgiveness or moving on is that you don't need anyone else's apology or permission. I know you tried your best to get me to hold on and to not let you go, the way you couldn't (or can't) completely let me go, but turns out "they" were right when they said I was too good for you. The truth is that in retrospect I realized how literally insane I was being to stay with you - "insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" I honestly thought that if I tried being a better girlfriend or dressing prettier for you or buying cuter underwear or this and that the way you like it, that it would change things. It took a long time away from you to realize none of it had to do with me.

I should have picked up on the red flags, but there was something about you (probably the reason why chicks like you and why you have so many friends) that drew me in and wouldn't let go. I gave you so much without asking anything in return, because isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be about? Except it doesn't really work out when it's mostly one-way. Quickly I learned the things we had in common and the traits you claimed to have weren't as true as I thought and what was real wasn't enough. The pain I felt during our relationship was so hard for me to handle, it wrecked me. One friend even related you to being a campground burner: i.e. the campground rule is when you go camping, you leave the grounds the same or better as when you left and the same rule is sometimes said to apply to relationships. Well, congrats on slaughtering that rule.

In my life, I've always tried to take a view that I am in control of things and that things don't just "happen" to me, so that I don't feel like a victim, but sometimes people do awful things and act horribly and the only thing that one can find responsibility in is not waking up sooner and realizing what they were allowing themselves to be subjected to. And that is what I realized in retrospect. 20/20 hindsight, they say. And oh, how I wish (often) that I had known about your history or known what type of person you really were before I got involved. Before I shared with you my time, mind, secrets, and body.

Sometimes I think about the girls you're with and I realize exactly why nobody warned me about you - because when you're an ex, you just seem psychotic to say anything to a new girlfriend, even if you know them. It's brushed off as past jealousy or a bitter breakup. But no, I really do wish that people could know beforehand.

The truth is, I never yelled at you. I never said anything mean to you any of the times that you probably deserved it. Even at the worst moments, I kept my cool and I didn't say or do anything that was unbecoming. But the fact that you, without taking any responsibility, ever apologizing or admitting anything you'd done, tried to be my friend and have the best of both worlds, is such a fucking shitty thing to do to someone. I gave you such an easy out of my life: don't apologize, don't admit anything and we don't have to be friends. You can't treat people like crap, walk all over them, and then expect that just because you  still like them, that they still want to be friends with you or be in any contact with you. The fact that it took me SO MANY TIMES telling you to stop talking to me or trying to see me/talk to me in person when we ran into each other is ridiculous. You lied to my face so many times it's crazy. I wouldn't even tell my friends hardly anything because they were friends with you too and I didn't want to be that person who creates conflicts because of upsets (valid, but who cares?) or a breakup.

I tried a few times to say things to you, whenever you tried to talk to me in person, and it always ended with the same way things went when we were in a relationship. You, with your smooth talking, manipulating me and making me feel like a fool for bringing anything up. It didn't take long for me to be sick of even trying to be civil and point out anything to you! I couldn't even get any kind of closure or satisfaction with you so I realized the only way I'd get that was on my own.

So, here it lies: I want nothing to do with you. Not directly, not by association, not by social standards. From what I've observed directly and indirectly, you haven't changed at all and I want to be totally clean of you. Because we have so many friends in common, it's impossible to cut all secondhand ties to you, but I'll do whatever I have to to come close. You treated me HORRIBLY and most of it was you manipulating me so much that I was so blind to it, I couldn't even realize you were doing such nasty things to me and lying to me so much. You were such a coward and it still sickens me that I allowed that. Being around you makes my skin crawl and I deserve to be happy and free of you and those feelings. I won't let that control me or my life.

-D

PS. I call you Voldemort. :)

Things I Ponder - Getting Older

Last Tuesday was my birthday and I started to think about age related things, and how getting older affects us all. Everyone has their own way of celebrating or "dealing with" their birthdays, (depending on how old they are turning) but most of all, we all notice the emotional and mental changes we experience as we get older. There's this internal drive or push to do certain things and be accomplished in different areas that clicks in as we reach certain milestones in our years.

Sometimes I start to wonder if we're restricted or enhanced by being so obsessed with age and each anniversary that we reach (whether we like it or not). Everything seems to be so date conscious; we base so many decisions and pass judgement on age. Another question would be is if these decisions and judgement are justified? Are we qualified to pass a judgement on someone and decide if they are worthy or unworthy of something simply based on how old they are?

We have these goals that almost seem like limitations: go to college and get a degree, get a fantastic, well-paying job by this age, fall in love by that age, be married by this age, have kids by that age, etc. The list seems endless. We have to accomplish all these certain things at these certain times and people judge us based on whether or not we have reached these goals at the right time.

If we reach our goals too soon, we can be judged for that too. One who has done this or that at an age perceived as "too young" is said to have "grown up too fast" or even been corrupted. Many laws are also based on age, such as when one can drive, live on their own, serve their country, buy and smoke cigarettes, buy and consume alcohol, among many others.

It came down to this intriguing question for me:

Would we be better off without these age limits and goals; would we get along better without them or would we fail miserably?

More on this later. Feel free to comment...I'd love to know what others think about this and how you would answer the question!

Tick Tock

A stolen kiss

Rippling

Lips upturned

Giggling

My heart unburdened

And as I breathe

The clock stops

My heart throbs

Unbelievably romantic

All of these go*damn semantics

This fire inside consumes me

I have no time for this

Any methods of escape

I promise this I won't regret

Despite the unacceptable behavior

Promise you won't console me

I'd rather breathe on my own

Conspicuously bright

I swear I'll be alright

Knowing how to get back up

Prefer to see it all

Than to pretend I'm blind

I'd rather communicate

Without any words

Than to constantly just talk

The hell with average

I'd like to see it all

Every part of life

Intriguing and deceiving

I promise I'll survive

Whimsical Notions - Insouciance and the Like

People get way too serious about things and sometimes really quickly. A lot of people, men especially it seems, tend to be afraid or hesitant about getting into relationships because they either A) had an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who was incredibly significant and serious about everything, making the relationship heavy; or B) they have friends who are way too serious about relationships and scare them off with the stories they like to share.

When I say insouciance, I don't mean to be flippant about your relationship or uncaring. Just... light. Enjoy, grow, progress, learn, and have fun. Be happy. When you're in a relationship with someone who you have a connection with - someone who you can really be with - the rest is easy to work out.

Life is very fleeting sometimes. Yes of course, most people live a very long time, die natural deaths, and have accomplished much. But there's many quotes which I like to think I apply to my life and take into account in the way I handle things and make me be less careful and less serious.(This is not just meant to be taken about relationships, of course.)

Here's a quote I like a lot:

"Suddenly, you realize tomorrow might not come. Now I live by the motto, ‘Today is what I have.’”

- Amber Heard

Love openly and fully and enjoy everything you do and everyone you experience and have the pleasure of meeting and having in your life. Be cautious, but don't be too careful. You could die at any moment and I hope that you will live your life to the extent that you would be happy with what you have experienced, and who you have loved, and not have many things you wish you did or said when you go.

If you love someone - if you want to do something - if you're scared - go for it!!! :-)

The Media Has Done WHAT to My Child?!

There has always been quite a bit of controversy on the subject of the media (incl. but not limited to magazines, television, movies, commercials, internet, radio, billboards, and even some video games) and the influence that it has on individuals, especially young ones. Advertising is in everything we see and everywhere we go, it is often influencing us when we don't even realize it.

As times get more modernized and technology gets more advanced, children are growing up in environments which are heavily influenced by the media and the ideals which are being portrayed nearly everywhere you look. Children who were being raised a century ago, or even fifty years ago, had very different influences growing up.

I asked a few questions on the subject of Professor Hugo Schwyzer (who in addition to being a professor, is an author and speaker, specializing in and writing about history and gender studies) via email. He had quite a lot of good points to make, which lead me to believe that my own concepts on the subject may not be far off!

Personally, I believe that the media does have a sense of responsibility to avoid delivering potentially dangerous messages, especially in the realm of body image, violence, and underage sex, drinking, and drugs. More so, it is important that there is an effort made to deliver certain positive messages, rather than just avoiding the negative messages.

Schwyzer pointed out, which I agree with, that censorship is certainly not the answer, but that the focus should be less on "cleaning up the internet" and more so on "giving young people something to look at that's healthy and engaging." This really hits home with the idea of delivering positive messages in lieu of simply attempting to eradicate the negativity. There will always be sources of negativity and I feel like we have to not only compensate with positivity, but teach and show our kids--and even our friends how to avoid being a sponge for the things that they read or see on a daily basis. It is important that we learn how to accurately filter the important and accurate pieces of information, opinions, and facts from the bits and pieces we absorb.

I've read many different studies on the effects on children who watch violent television and movies or play violent video games growing up. The amount of time spent seems like it would affect the outcome of these violent images as much as, if not more than, what they are seeing. As Schwyzer mentioned, how much time they are focusing on these activities is the biggest problem. Of course, everything is on a case-by-case basis, considering that many children were raised without violence in their households and turn into violent adults, while other children who were raised on violent movies, video games and television turn out to be quite passive individuals. In general, I think it's safe to say that it's a good idea to try to get your children and teenagers involved and interested in more productive and less potentially destructive hobbies and activities.

From personal experience and my observations of others, I feel it's safe to say that there is definite damages done to children and teenager by way of dangerous messages through the media. It seems to be a recurring thought in both my mind and the mind of Hugo Schwyzer that the possible damage reversal could be made possible with counter-images and stories. Along the same lines as delivering positive messages instead of just attempting to discourage negative messages, it is important to fill young minds with positive images and ideals so that they can see the "other" side of things. As Schwyzer said when discussing the dangerous messages of the media and their effect on teenagers, is that that's exactly what the Healthy is the New Skinny movement is going for: "changing what people see as hot, as sexy, as desirable".

It's also incredibly important to have actual discussions with young people about what they see and observe; what it means to them and how it impacts them. In order to truly find out how they are being affected by various images and messages, one must ask various questions and give them the opportunity to speak their mind and ask their own questions.

(Big thanks to Hugo Schwyzer for his input. He's a great author and quite a writer himself, so if you are interested in reading about him or reading his own blog(s), check him out @ http://www.hugoschwyzer.net) If you're interested in reading more about Healthy is the New Skinny, which I barely touched upon, but plan to write much more about at a later time, you can view the site at http://healthyisthenewskinny.com

This is my first post on my new blog here! Expect to see more on this and other related subjects soon!

- D.M.