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Disclaimer: These writings are not about you if you're reading them. I want to be totally free to write whatever comes to my mind and not have any of my readers (especially if you know me in real life) think that this is about a certain someone. It's not! :)
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In life, we are given many chances to decide what we want and to work for it. We are also given opportunities to learn what we don't want. As I said to a friend recently, and I don't take credit for this line, "Everything and everyone is a blessing or a lesson." The things that happen to us that are good are obviously ones that are noted as positive ones, but sometimes we lack actually being able to see what the negative ones mean. They're lessons! The lesson might not come right away, because you might experience some pain from whatever occurred, but in the end you'll realize you've learned and grown because of it. Maybe you're not quite ready to thank life for throwing you those curve balls, but hopefully at some point you will be, because they really actually become blessings in a way.
Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.
I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.
is wrong with me, why do I still have this desire to please people even
after they hurt me? It's not even a sense of propitiation, I actually
just possess the tender feelings and the need to make them happy,
regardless of the fact that they hurt me so much. It makes things so
confusing and difficult.
I won't let you break me down, I won't let you get the best of me and make me feel weak and like I need to understand. I deserve better and that is simple. I deserve respect and gratitude and emotional commitment, and I do not deserve someone who will flip flop on me. I put all my effort into things and you made me believe you did too. I trusted you completely and you broke that trust. I told myself before that if you came back and said sorry that I would take you back because I thought I was in love with you, but the truth is you would need to show me something changed. I need to know that you can have this and have me and you won't go off on some depression and cut yourself off from positivity and love.
I miss the person you were for me, so kind and caring, so safe and trusting. I trusted you with everything and it actually felt good to do that. You were there for me no matter what and I could talk to you about anything and I don't know how to feel anymore about losing that. Who do I go to talk to about losing you, when I would talk to you about losing anything? Everything went topsy-turvy and I'm still in shock and not understanding or having any closure drives me insane. And you know that. I don't write to get even, I don't write to call people out. I write because it's therapeutic and flowing and sometimes it's the only way I can connect and engage when everything in me is forcefully shutting down my emotions and logging me out. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed that I just can't feel anything, as strange as it sounds. Sometimes my head just starts spinning and the frustration builds and I want to slam on the keyboard and break things and the "well-behaved" woman inside me wants to scream because I just can't pretend like everything is perfect when it's not. People will tell you that you won't get the closure you're looking for, so you might as well just move on, as though you're making a sane decision to not get over something and to sit around and wait for answers. The mind will do what the mind will do, and mine is constantly searching for answers. Mysteries and things that don't add up will perplex me to the end of time. And usually the only thing I've found that totally satisfies my mind is an answer; the closure. I try to learn from break-ups of sorts (even the non-relationship kind) so that when something goes wrong and I get hurt, I can take something away from it. If a guy or a friend tells me something that I did that was unforgivable or incredibly dissatisfying, I can take that into account and learn a lesson on what to do/not to do the next time. When I have nothing, what have I learned? My heart has currently seemed to have learned not to want to love someone, and my mind has learned to shut off to these emotions. And not in the dramatic way where people fling themselves on their bed and yell, "I will never love again!" but legitimately the fire inside me has been put out. You knew what I'd been through and you showed me a different way, but in the end you were selfish and didn't show me the care you supposedly had for me and for my feelings. And I suppose in the end, that's what I have to remind myself of every time I start to miss you.
The scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.
The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.
People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.
I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.
"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."
Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws.
It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me. You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away.
"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."
The odd thing about missing someone you're not in contact with is that it seems so misemotional. It's not one of those, I care about my friend/significant other and miss their presence, type of missing someone. It's a weird, strangely uncomfortable feeling that creeps in when you think about that person who used to be part of your life. Their name can pop up in conversation or on Facebook or the like, and suddenly you're walking down Reminiscing Lane. I constantly wish that life could be like Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, where they chose to forget all the memories of someone who was part of their life... except that I wish I could do it with very specific memories and not all of them. I don't want to lose all of someone's impact on my life; just those haunting memories that stick with me and won't go away no matter what I seem to do - bad or good.