tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74727170860309344662024-02-08T10:12:31.061-08:00Musings and TheoriesSubscribe at the bottom of the page to receive my blog updates via email!
<br>
Disclaimer: These writings are not about you if you're reading them. I want to be totally free to write whatever comes to my mind and not have any of my readers (especially if you know me in real life) think that this is about a certain someone. It's not! :)
<br>
View my music review blog @ http://uplatereviews.com/Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-31033888841184957892014-04-26T17:57:00.001-07:002014-04-26T17:57:31.514-07:00November BluesI'm a sucker for the broken<br />
The bruised is like a potion<br />
Corrupted by the pain<br />
An illusion of a gain<br />
<br />
The need to fix is my next fix<br />
Words hurting "just for kicks"<br />
Simply leaving never works<br />
Guarantee it always hurts<br />
<br />
Words like poison on your tongue<br />
Love songs always gone unsung<br />
Never what you want to hear<br />
Reuse to shed one fucking tear<br />
<br />
Waiting is like a slow death<br />
Sucking out your soul till nothing's left<br />
A curse you always can predict<br />
Seeming to be on the hunt for conflictUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-31185998159418463432014-03-29T17:07:00.001-07:002014-03-29T17:09:43.438-07:00Everyone said Poets had it Easy<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">If you let it, some poetry will kill you from the inside out. Before you even realize or have a chance to stop it, it'll turn your heart into stone while cutting off your brains control and access to your tear ducts and you'll be a heartless, crying mess. Poetry is like a hard drug you can't quit, always looking for the next fix. Even though you know it's terrible for you and going to ruin you, you'll search for it everywhere, hastily and obsessively, like the worst kind of addict. It will make a mess of you and you will make a mess of it, looking like a drunk stumbling out of a bar at 2am. Closing time, there's no room in here for love. </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-51507038759001337442013-10-26T19:18:00.002-07:002013-10-26T19:18:18.217-07:00The Saddest Short Poem I Ever Did Hear (Write)Sometimes I see you and it makes my head spin<br />
No longer a resident in my head; just a guest<br />
Missing you terribly, just a memory on my skin<br />
I wish you <strike through> were here</strike through> the bestUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-31998211448239912192013-06-10T19:20:00.001-07:002013-06-10T19:20:41.092-07:00New Beginnings and LessonsIn life, we are given many chances to decide what we want and to work for it. We are also given opportunities to learn what we don't want. As I said to a friend recently, and I don't take credit for this line, "Everything and everyone is a blessing or a lesson." The things that happen to us that are good are obviously ones that are noted as positive ones, but sometimes we lack actually being able to see what the negative ones mean. They're lessons! The lesson might not come right away, because you might experience some pain from whatever occurred, but in the end you'll realize you've learned and grown because of it. Maybe you're not quite ready to thank life for throwing you those curve balls, but hopefully at some point you will be, because they really actually become blessings in a way.<br />
<br />
Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.<br />
<br />
I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-3419716874874892982013-05-27T12:11:00.001-07:002014-04-26T17:53:42.885-07:00When You're Feeling Betrayed<span style="background-color: #1c1c1c; color: ##1c1c1c; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19px;">What
is wrong with me, why do I still have this desire to please people even
after they hurt me? It's not even a sense of propitiation, I actually
just possess the tender feelings and the need to make them happy,
regardless of the fact that they hurt me so much. It makes things so
confusing and difficult.</span><br />
<div style="background-color: #1c1c1c; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px;">
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">I won't let you break me down, I won't let you get the best of me and make me feel weak and like I need to understand. I deserve better and that is simple. I deserve respect and gratitude and emotional commitment, and I do not deserve someone who will flip flop on me. I put all my effort into things and you made me believe you did too. I trusted you completely and you broke that trust. I told myself before that if you came back and said sorry that I would take you back because I thought I was in love with you, but the truth is you would need to show me something changed. I need to know that you can have this and have me and you won't go off on some depression and cut yourself off from positivity and love.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">I miss the person you were for me, so kind and caring, so safe and trusting. I trusted you with everything and it actually felt good to do that. You were there for me no matter what and I could talk to you about anything and I don't know how to feel anymore about losing that. <i>Who do I go to talk to about losing you, when I would talk to you about losing anything</i>? Everything went topsy-turvy and I'm still in shock and not understanding or having any closure drives me insane. And you know that.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">I don't write to get even, I don't write to call people out. I write because it's therapeutic and flowing and sometimes it's the only way I can connect and engage when everything in me is forcefully shutting down my emotions and logging me out. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed that I just can't feel anything, as strange as it sounds. Sometimes my head just starts spinning and the frustration builds and I want to slam on the keyboard and break things and the "well-behaved" woman inside me wants to scream because I just can't pretend like everything is perfect when it's not. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">People will tell you that you won't get the closure you're looking for, so you might as well just move on, as though you're making a sane decision to <i>not </i>get over something and to sit around and wait for answers. The mind will do what the mind will do, and mine is constantly searching for answers. Mysteries and things that don't add up will perplex me to the end of time. And usually the only thing I've found that totally satisfies my mind is an answer; the closure. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">I try to learn from break-ups of sorts (even the non-relationship kind) so that when something goes wrong and I get hurt, I can take something away from it. If a guy or a friend tells me something that I did that was unforgivable or incredibly dissatisfying, I can take that into account and learn a lesson on what to do/not to do the next time. When I have nothing, what have I learned? My heart has currently seemed to have learned not to want to love someone, and my mind has learned to shut off to these emotions. And not in the dramatic way where people fling themselves on their bed and yell, "I will never love again!" but legitimately the fire inside me has been put out. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0a98f6; font-family: Arial;">You knew what I'd been through and you showed me a different way, but in the end you were selfish and didn't show me the care you supposedly had for me and for my feelings. And I suppose in the end, that's what I have to remind myself of every time I start to miss you.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-16416245285571849992013-05-15T02:22:00.001-07:002013-05-15T02:22:32.310-07:00I Won't Break DownYou saved me just to break me<br />
You made me just to leave<br />
You found me and you lost me<br />
<br />
The pain it comes in waves<br />
Swimming in it<br />
I don't feel anything anymore<br />
My walls are closing in<br />
<br />
Down I go, up I fall<br />
Flailing, drowning<br />
Can't hold on<br />
Not at all<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-47466551595933015582013-04-26T03:11:00.001-07:002013-04-26T13:35:23.967-07:00Questionable Romantic ThoughtsThe scary thing about falling in love is putting your trust in another person with the confidence that they have your best interest at heart and in mind, the way that you do theirs. You open yourself up and you allow yourself to give that to someone else and in return you hope that they won't betray you. The problem is that even good people have deep seated issues with things, relationships being at the top of the list. Some of these things they may not even be aware of until they blow up in their face. And that just makes for a confusing mess for everyone involved.<br />
<br />
The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.<br />
<br />
People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.<br />
<br />
I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.<br />
<br />
<div>
"They" say when you think about someone every day, someone who makes you laugh no matter what, someone you can't imagine your life without, someone who complements who you are, who adds to your life, who makes you grow, who is good for you, that you should never let that person go. That you should fight for something you believe both people want. The person who makes you think back on all your past painful relationships and say, "Those were all so I could appreciate what I have with you. It was all worth it." The person who makes you think of the saying "One day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else."<br />
<br />
Because <i>nobody's ever looked at me the way he did</i>, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's hard in this day to find someone who fits with you as perfectly as one can. To be yourself totally around someone and to trust each other. That connection is so rare and to throw it away just seems so insane to me. You'd think that being willing to do anything it takes to help that person and be there for them would be enough. Even having patience with someone and being willing to accept them and love them for who they are, bad and good, isn't always enough. One day you might still wake up and find yourself alone. And they'll be the one who got away. </div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i>"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."</i></div>
<br />
<i>It's always been you.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-36494168031933170092013-04-13T01:01:00.000-07:002013-04-13T01:01:15.429-07:00L&C Quiet minds & secret lives<br />
"Facts" that sound just like lies<br />
Back and forth as it goes<br />
Flippant like the wind blows<br />
<br />
"Casual" tears become runaways<br />
Can't help but feeling played<br />
System overloaded with shock<br />
Feeling like you just got clocked<br />
<br />
A punch to the gut<br />
At least you're out of the rut<br />
Happiness too much to handle?<br />
Making your life into a scandal<br />
<br />
So dizzy and lost<br />
Distancing at what cost<br />
Your words are heavy<br />
Like my heart you levied<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-34139236250225724252013-02-19T11:57:00.004-08:002013-02-19T11:57:56.189-08:00Memories & MisemotionsThe odd thing about missing someone you're not in contact with is that it seems so misemotional. It's not one of those, I care about my friend/significant other and miss their presence, type of missing someone. It's a weird, strangely uncomfortable feeling that creeps in when you think about that person who used to be part of your life. Their name can pop up in conversation or on Facebook or the like, and suddenly you're walking down Reminiscing Lane. I constantly wish that life could be like Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, where they chose to forget all the memories of someone who was part of their life... except that I wish I could do it with very specific memories and not all of them. I don't want to lose all of someone's impact on my life; just those haunting memories that stick with me and won't go away no matter what I seem to do - bad or good.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-84560350416089704182012-12-12T17:37:00.000-08:002013-02-19T11:55:47.045-08:00Letter Writing Challenge #2<i>Edit: This letter is LONG after a break-up and not about getting over feelings, but about healing about the past relationships' damage done on me. </i><br />
<br />
Letter #1b:<br />
<br />
Dear X,<br />
<br />
I don't know that I'll ever fully understand you or why you did all of the things you did and why you appear to continue to be that same person while (still) claiming to be someone else, but I've found that with every day I care less and less. The power of forgiveness or moving on is that you don't need anyone else's apology or permission. I know you tried your best to get me to hold on and to not let you go, the way you couldn't (or can't) completely let me go, but turns out "they" were right when they said I was too good for you. The truth is that in retrospect I realized how literally insane I was being to stay with you - "insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" I honestly thought that if I tried being a better girlfriend or dressing prettier for you or buying cuter underwear or this and that the way you like it, that it would change things. It took a long time away from you to realize none of it had to do with me.<br />
<br />
I should have picked up on the red flags, but there was something about you (probably the reason why chicks like you and why you have so many friends) that drew me in and wouldn't let go. I gave you so much without asking anything in return, because isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be about? Except it doesn't really work out when it's mostly one-way. Quickly I learned the things we had in common and the traits you claimed to have weren't as true as I thought and what was real wasn't enough. The pain I felt during our relationship was so hard for me to handle, it wrecked me. One friend even related you to being a campground burner: i.e. the campground rule is when you go camping, you leave the grounds the same or better as when you left and the same rule is sometimes said to apply to relationships. Well, congrats on slaughtering that rule.<br />
<br />
In my life, I've always tried to take a view that I am in control of things and that things don't just "happen" to me, so that I don't feel like a victim, but sometimes people do awful things and act horribly and the only thing that one can find responsibility in is not waking up sooner and realizing what they were allowing themselves to be subjected to. And that is what I realized in retrospect. 20/20 hindsight, they say. And oh, how I wish (often) that I had known about your history or known what type of person you really were before I got involved. Before I shared with you my time, mind, secrets, and body.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I think about the girls you're with and I realize exactly why nobody warned me about you - because when you're an ex, you just seem psychotic to say anything to a new girlfriend, even if you know them. It's brushed off as past jealousy or a bitter breakup. But no, I really do wish that people could know beforehand.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I never yelled at you. I never said anything mean to you any of the times that you probably deserved it. Even at the worst moments, I kept my cool and I didn't say or do anything that was unbecoming. But the fact that you, without taking any responsibility, ever apologizing or admitting anything you'd done, tried to be my friend and have the best of both worlds, is such a fucking shitty thing to do to someone. I gave you such an easy out of my life: don't apologize, don't admit anything and we don't have to be friends. You can't treat people like crap, walk all over them, and then expect that just because <i>you </i> still like them, that they still want to be friends with you or be in any contact with you. The fact that it took me SO MANY TIMES telling you to stop talking to me or trying to see me/talk to me in person when we ran into each other is ridiculous. You lied to my face so many times it's crazy. I wouldn't even tell my friends hardly anything because they were friends with you too and I didn't want to be that person who creates conflicts because of upsets (valid, but who cares?) or a breakup.<br />
<br />
I tried a few times to say things to you, whenever you tried to talk to me in person, and it always ended with the same way things went when we were in a relationship. You, with your smooth talking, manipulating me and making me feel like a fool for bringing anything up. It didn't take long for me to be sick of even trying to be civil and point out anything to you! I couldn't even get any kind of closure or satisfaction with you so I realized the only way I'd get that was on my own.<br />
<br />
So, here it lies: I want nothing to do with you. Not directly, not by association, not by social standards. From what I've observed directly and indirectly, you haven't changed at all and I want to be totally clean of you. Because we have so many friends in common, it's impossible to cut all secondhand ties to you, but I'll do whatever I have to to come close. You treated me HORRIBLY and most of it was you manipulating me so much that I was so blind to it, I couldn't even realize you were doing such nasty things to me and lying to me so much. You were such a coward and it still sickens me that I allowed that. Being around you makes my skin crawl and I deserve to be happy and free of you and those feelings. I won't let that control me or my life.<br />
<br />
-D<br />
<br />
PS. I call you Voldemort. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-88591312958986902422012-12-04T09:24:00.001-08:002013-02-19T11:56:31.125-08:00Letter Writing Challenge Intro and Letter #1I found that I often have a lot of things I want to say to someone way after I have the chance to. 20/20 hindsight and all that. So, I found a letter writing challenge post online and decided that I'm going to do it here publicly on my blog. I'm not going to do every single day of the letters, because many of them don't apply to my life, but I will write a majority of them.<br />
<br />
Letter #1a:<br />
<br />
Dear X,<br />
<br />
I've never known quite what to say to you and quite how to say it, which is often how I felt during our relationship. (It always made me laugh because writers are always supposed to have the "right words.") But I guess the first thing to say is <b>thank you</b>. I feel like out of all the different relationships I've had (of different sorts) with guys, ours was the most positive learning experience for me.<br />
<br />
Although the end wasn't perfect, the relationship we did have was so wonderful that it taught me a lot of what I'm looking for in a significant other. The qualities you possessed and the way you treated me showed me how much I deserve and how nice it feels to have that. Our relationship is the only one I can talk fondly about and (at this point) without much hurt. I sincerely think that you helped me to regain a lot of sanity in relationships in general and your playful, kind attitude and how much care you showed for me was sincere and wonderful.<br />
<br />
It always hurts to have a relationship end, whether it's your choice, someone else's choice, a mutual choice, or any mix of the above; especially unexpectedly. But I don't hold on to any distasteful feelings for the end; I remember the time fondly and hope that I always do. If we're being honest here, the way we broke up hurt. And it hurt for a while. I know I wasn't the only one who was hurt by it, but I definitely look back at our time together in a sad/happy way. Happy I had the chance to be with someone like you, but sad it ended the way it did, unexpectedly and too soon. I can only hope for your happiness and that I was as kind to you as I thought I was and that you enjoyed our time as much as it seemed.<br />
<br />
So again, thank you. Thank you for being a good boyfriend and showing me good guys exist.<br />
<br />
DaisyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-90588323553513819202012-10-31T20:52:00.001-07:002012-10-31T20:58:08.381-07:00Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorder<div>
(Possible triggers: mentions of ED, compulsive eating, anorexia, bulimia, triggers, dangerous relationships, and BDD.)<br />
<br /></div>
I started this study quite a while ago, and although I plan to re-survey in the future, I wanted to write about my research and results thus far.<br />
<div>
<br />
This is a very unusual and personal piece for me, being that it goes into some very private "issues" (for lack of a better word) and various things which I myself would not normally talk openly about with just anyone. I am a writer, however, and I feel that I can best express this in writing.<br />
<br />
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The first step is to admit that I have somewhat of a"problem" with food, exercise, and the like. This either makes me more of an "expert" to write my thoughts, experiences, and findings on this subject - or it disqualifies me from being able to have a clear head. You can decide.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After surveying many people, several things became apparent to me. The first was something that I've always suspected, but never was sure of until I did this survey: self-confidence does not directly intertwine with one's outer appearance. What I mean to say is that I always thought beautiful, skinny, or fit people automatically had this great self-confidence and knew they were one or all of the above. When a skinny person would talk about how fat or ugly they were, I could never understand why. (Besides the fact that it made me cringe and it would trigger my own issues.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
75% of people who answered my survey felt that they had an eating disorder or habits that would pertain to one. </div>
<div>
50% answered that they have had (or did have) an eating disorder for 1-8 years, while 50% have had one for under a year.</div>
<div>
80% said that a big part (or the entire part) of the development of their habits or eating disorders came about as a result of a boyfriend/significant other and something that they said.</div>
<div>
100% answered that the habits and eating disorder(s) developed pretty gradually, starting with somewhat healthy goals, workouts, and/or dieting and developing into a problem and an obsession.</div>
<div>
30% of people who answered said that they felt their sex life or relationship with their significant other(s) was affected by their eating disorder, whether by being uncomfortable and embarrassed, or simply by their physical state affecting their level of sexual interest and desire.</div>
<div>
80% said that they weren't actually overweight or fat when they felt that they were.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The above may seem like they are "just" statistics, and may seem a bit easy to brush off. To be frank and very specific, the emotional wreckage that eating disorders cause on people is unanimous. Most individuals who develop eating disorders have a constant discomfort and discontentment with their body and self-image. Regardless of whether they weigh 100 pounds and are in excellent physical shape, are 80 pounds and extremely underweight, or are 190 pounds and completely out of shape, it seems that eating disorders cause people to see themselves as fat or ugly, and to hate their body or specific part(s) of their body. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's a common misconception that only anorexic or obese looking people have eating disorders. People see someone who is very overweight or underweight and often will assume that these are the only two types of people - the over-eaters and the under-eaters. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The shame and guilt that comes with an ED is also a large stress on an individual, because of the constant attention being put on what to eat, not eat, when to eat, when not to eat, "calorie counting", checking one's body constantly to see if one is gaining weight or appears bigger, fatter, pudgier, etc. The obsession with needing to be thinner, in better shape, or look a certain way can drive one to stop eating, start eating much less, or to binge and overeat. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Healthy habits and somewhat restrictive tendencies can rapidly become obsessive habits, over-the-top exercise routines, and excessive restrictions. Feeling guilty when one eats is one of the consequences of an eating disorder, even at times when one is eating quite healthily and attempting to have a balanced diet. The desire to skip meals or to binge and throw up consumes some individuals, to the point that one becomes unable to eat healthily on a day-to-day basis and take care of themselves properly. Often, it just seems easier or more effective to cut down on calories and general food intake in order to achieve the results of weight-loss.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It seems to be a general consensus that one's parents, friends, siblings, and significant others have a huge impact on how one feels about their body and even how one handles their eating disorder, both at the start and in recovery. Restrictions on their food, friends, and members of the opposite sex made by their friends, family, and significant others tends to trigger one's bad eating habits. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The desire to work out excessively or participate in physical activity exceeds the "norm" for a lot of people who suffer from BDD and ED's. Paired with a lack of proper diet, this can become unhealthy very rapidly. As I, and many others have experienced, the drive to be fit and lose weight can cause someone to want to exercise to fix themselves (or their flaws) ALL THE TIME and EVERYWHERE. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The obsession with looking like one's ideal perfect woman or man can be overwhelming. And it seems like so many of the things that people do and say around you are triggering, even the positive ones. When a friend talks about their own weight or your weight, even in a friendly and kind way, it can be incredibly introverting. Even when someone tells me how great I look or that I look thinner, fitter, better, etc., it can make me feel immediately self-conscious. When others talk about their success with a certain diet, health plan, exercise program, or going to the gym regularly, it can make your own plan or exercise routine feel inadequate. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One person I surveyed, Liv*, was adversely affected by her unhealthy relationship with a boyfriend, who was extremely over-protective of her and what she could and couldn't do. Having restrictions on her friends, especially male friends, created a huge problem. An unhealthy relationship such as the one that was described to me, wedged a block between Liv and her friends, leaving her virtually friendless when the relationship became rocky and eventually ended. This, combined with her shaky home life at the time, created a subconscious desire to change her body in order to get her relationship(s) back to the way they were.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As it does for many, what started as a simple diet "quickly escalated out of control". For Liv, and for many other people who struggled with food and ED's, when one is having problems in their relationship(s) or home life, one's body and what they eat seem to be the only things they are in control of. Being able to decide to not eat anything or not eating hardly at all and seeing changes in one's body gives a person an odd sense of accomplishment. But not having a goal (number of pounds loss, ultimate goal weight, muscle mass gained, etc.) can cause a detrimental effect on one's progress and gains.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Liv described how the loss of a boyfriend's affection and their break-up, combined with the lack of genuine friendships in her life and the rumors he started, were just the start of a mess of problems in the following years. She suffered from anorexia and bulimia (wherein she expressed that she has seen every case of anorexia lead to bulimia) and left her feeling depressed and alone; completely out of control. She described bulimia as being a more devastating, hectic, and shameful disorder because it lacks the feeling of "clean self-control and progress" that comes with anorexia. I have heard very similar descriptions from others that I interviewed for my research, as well as from support groups and the like. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Another important topic I wanted to cover is the way that eating disorders and BDD affects one's behavior and comfort with their significant other, or in their "dating life." Liv, among other women (myself included) felt that it made her more self conscious about her body. There were hundreds of times, she told me, that she didn't go out because of ED related feelings, discomforts, and urges. Sometimes she wouldn't have sex for the same reasons. Many women and men feel more out of place or uncomfortable within relationships, because it's exposing them and what they consider to be their flaws, to their significant others. Usually, one's significant other's opinion is very important.<br />
<br />
Liv, like many other women who are not clinically overweight (sometimes not even close) definitely felt like she wanted to be thinner, even if she knew that she was not overweight. She enjoyed the feeling of being as light as possible and being in control. Knowing that she looked tiny, was turning heads, and able to wear any clothes was something that was important to her and many, many other women I have personally interviewed and known myself. This is something that is becoming more common in younger teenagers as well.<br />
<br />
Luckily, for many men and women, there is hope and there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel! The shame and secrecy can be blown out in the open, taking away the power that ED's carry with them. For some, exercise (in moderation), yoga, meditation, shopping, and other activities can really help to lighten the energy and improve one's mood.<br />
<br />
*all names have been changed for privacy purposes.<br />
<br />
A big thank you to everyone who participated in the survey and those who wrote me with their stories.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe bordercolor="#000000" frameborder="0" height="150" hspace="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://ad.doubleclick.net/adi/N7433.148119.BLOGGEREN/B6628220.259585;sz=180x150;ord=[timestamp]?;lid=41000000000342669;pid=c26655;usg=AFHzDLvGGiSpmklIzCx_XjQXmdTMl9thow;adurl=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.kohls.com%252Fupgrade%252Fwebstore%252Fproduct_page_multiple.jsp%253FPRODUCT%25253C%25253Eprd_id%253D845524892912011%2526pfx%253Dpfx_shopcompare%2526cid%253Dshopping3;pubid=592173;price=%2459.99;title=New+Balance+496+Walkin...;merc=Kohl%27s;imgsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.kohls.com.edgesuite.net%2Fis%2Fimage%2Fkohls%2Fc26655%3Fwid%3D500%26hei%3D500%26op_sharpen%3D1;width=85;height=85" vspace="0" width="180"></iframe><br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-42414308134176851102012-08-01T22:48:00.003-07:002012-08-01T22:48:52.210-07:00No Regrets<br />
When does this get easier; I need all the help that I can get<br />
Forgetting you is a task within itself that I will soon regret<br />
I promise in the end it'll all be worth the risk and pain<br />
but the time it takes to get there is taking the fight out of me<br />
<br />
I can't sleep, my eyes get heavy but they just won't close<br />
The end is near, but exactly where, nobody knows<br />
Overwhelming pressure to be like everyone else<br />
It's as if our own identities have up and disappeared<br />
<br />
Such sinister statements spoken in tongues<br />
Your look upon me squeezing the breath out of my lungs<br />
Crying out is pointless; it's as if I'm in a soundproof box<br />
Just run away, far away, and never plan to return<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-15065425622256451492012-06-25T01:56:00.001-07:002012-07-18T22:57:52.409-07:00Concerns<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I’m drowning in a pool of nothing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Forcing myself to toughen up</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This plan isn’t working out like I’d hoped</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It didn’t happen like you said it would</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">With your fake smiles and consoling words</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I didn’t need sympathy, I needed reality</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why can’t people be honest anymore?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It’s like it seems easier to keep up with your lies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Than to just tell the truth </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And so here I am
I’m not heartbroken </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I know you want me to feel like </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I’ve given up something real </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But the truth is all you are is a disappointment, a step I’m glad to be done with
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A bitter taste in my mouth </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Spit that stains the concrete </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sighs of relief when I can finally leave this wretched place </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And feel empty again</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-26688894952963821462012-03-03T03:06:00.003-08:002012-03-03T03:20:45.620-08:00Second ChanceSo talking is a waste of time<div>Another chance for another line</div><div>Just one more opportunity to lie</div><div>Promises that will never be obliged </div><div><br /></div><div>Complications that never arise</div><div>Alibis that she always buys</div><div>Listening to stories that never end</div><div>Something I would learn to apprehend</div><div><br /></div><div>We all wait for the apology we'll never hear</div><div>So much easier just to disappear</div><div>I'd do it all over if I had the chance</div><div>Never looked back or took that second glance</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-75833309243960365462012-02-07T22:29:00.000-08:002012-02-07T22:31:52.301-08:00HidingWe hide tears with scarlet paint<div>Pretending just to save face</div><div>It's gone like the wind</div><div>And everything feels displaced</div><div><br /></div><div>Forever loses its meaning</div><div>Facades are like new cars</div><div>Mismanaged habits</div><div>You hone your skills in bars</div><div><br /></div><div>Overlapping feelings</div><div>Climbing up the walls</div><div>Trying to learn new tricks</div><div>While attempting not to fall</div><div><br /></div><div>Repeating words we hear on tv</div><div>You see relationships as threats</div><div>Forgetting we're heartless</div><div>Sometimes I forget to forget<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-26144093242567810552012-02-03T10:48:00.000-08:002012-02-03T10:49:03.149-08:00Things I Ponder - Getting OlderLast Tuesday was my birthday and I started to think about age related things, and how getting older affects us all. Everyone has their own way of celebrating or "dealing with" their birthdays, (depending on how old they are turning) but most of all, we all notice the emotional and mental changes we experience as we get older. There's this internal drive or push to do certain things and be accomplished in different areas that clicks in as we reach certain milestones in our years. <div><br /></div><div>Sometimes I start to wonder if we're restricted or enhanced by being so obsessed with age and each anniversary that we reach (whether we like it or not). Everything seems to be so date conscious; we base so many decisions and pass judgement on age. Another question would be is if these decisions and judgement are justified? Are we qualified to pass a judgement on someone and decide if they are worthy or unworthy of something simply based on how old they are?<div><br /></div><div>We have these goals that almost seem like limitations: go to college and get a degree, get a fantastic, well-paying job by this age, fall in love by that age, be married by this age, have kids by that age, etc. The list seems endless. We have to accomplish all these certain things at these certain times and people judge us based on whether or not we have reached these goals at the right time. </div><div><br /></div><div>If we reach our goals too soon, we can be judged for that too. One who has done this or that at an age perceived as "too young" is said to have "grown up too fast" or even been corrupted. Many laws are also based on age, such as when one can drive, live on their own, serve their country, buy and smoke cigarettes, buy and consume alcohol, among many others.</div><div><br /></div><div>It came down to this intriguing question for me:</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Would we be better off without these age limits and goals; would we get along better without them or would we fail miserably?</b></div></div><div><br /></div><div>More on this later. Feel free to comment...I'd love to know what others think about this and how you would answer the question!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-90966043635412330412012-01-17T21:32:00.002-08:002012-03-17T03:22:34.226-07:002Atypical behavior<div>Expecting a savior</div><div>Easily disappointed</div><div>Quickly disjointed</div><div><br /></div><div>Rapid replies</div><div>Simple demise</div><div>Shallow breathing</div><div>Forever grieving</div><div><br /></div><div>Intensely ashamed</div><div>Incorrectly blamed</div><div>Sorrowful glances</div><div>Empty romances</div><div><br /></div><div>Jagged edges</div><div>Broken ledges</div><div><div>Foreign tongues</div><div>Empty lungs</div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-47629003711984038842012-01-09T15:36:00.000-08:002012-01-09T15:36:36.759-08:00FreezingSo fake, so cold<div>How bleak, how bold</div><div><br /></div><div>Foreign languages we spoke</div><div>All the promises you broke</div><div><br /></div><div>Every lie recited</div><div>And each cell ignited</div><div><br /></div><div>Your lingering gaze</div><div>The always burning blaze</div><div><br /></div><div>My never ending trek</div><div>To avoid an inevitable wreck</div><div><br /></div><div>So oblivious; eyes closed</div><div>How hilarious; so composed</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-928408190053902092012-01-02T00:17:00.000-08:002012-01-08T16:05:26.600-08:00Indescribable<div>On the outside<div>There's a smile</div><div>Nothing to hide</div><div>At least for a while</div><div><br /></div><div>It's easy to act nonchalant</div><div>Sure you're just fine</div><div>What is it we truly want</div><div>Alone, waiting for things to align</div><div><br /></div><div>Because now the truth is clear</div><div>We're all searching for something real</div><div>Someone to protect us from what we fear</div><div>A place we don't have to pretend not to feel</div><div><br /></div><div>Casually we breathe</div><div>Searching far and wide</div><div>Inside we secretly seethe</div><div>Wishing we had never lied</div><div><br /></div><div>While it's me you haunt</div><div>I'm listening to the perfect cadence</div></div><div>More than simply what I want</div><div>Perfectly imperfect and shameless </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-26385437695248320682011-12-29T23:01:00.000-08:002011-12-29T23:06:38.373-08:00FreeI could walk for hours just because<div>And sometimes the freeway off ramp<div>Appeals to me for some midnight walking</div><div>But something tells me that the late-night patrol officers</div></div><div>Would possibly consider that a suicide attempt</div><div>"But officers," I'd say, "I'm a happy girl"</div><div>Got a whole lot going for me</div><div>A big world to see</div><div>My whole life ahead of me"</div><div>"Dear girl," they'd say, "it's never the sad ones."</div><div>And we'd share this sad moment together</div><div>Not quite sure of what else there was to say</div><div>Because I knew they were right</div><div>Truth is, I'd never even consider that idea</div><div>It was just that walking against traffic was always this <b>taboo</b></div><div>And in the moment, in the moonlit midnight of my neighborhood</div><div>I just wanted to see what it felt like to be free</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-25996088384219839422011-12-05T10:56:00.000-08:002012-01-09T15:35:47.658-08:00FlamesWhy don't I miss you<div>When you're so far away</div><div>The lies come out so fluently</div><div>I'm barely keeping up</div><div><br /></div><div>I swear I'm not pretending </div><div>Shivering as you linger</div><div>Fingertips gliding</div><div>My world keeps on sliding</div><div><br /></div><div>Inside out, upside down</div><div>How you manage to get me all turned around</div><div>Sweaty collisions</div><div>Careful incisions </div><div><br /></div><div>Definitely nothing to do with booze</div><div>I promise this wasn't a ruse</div><div>And my bed is this constant reminder</div><div>As if this all wasn't hard enough</div><div><br /></div><div>Pretending I don't give a fuck</div><div>Nothing ever seemed so difficult as this</div><div>Acting like nothing ever mattered</div><div>And you're certainly not shattered</div><div><br /></div><div>Cliche statements resounding</div><div>This is apparently what I'm supposed to do</div><div>But I know that booze and boys </div><div>Won't get you out of my mind</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-16768394859297221722011-12-02T01:18:00.000-08:002011-12-02T01:43:24.363-08:00Tick Tock<div>A stolen kiss</div><div>Rippling</div><div>Lips upturned</div><div>Giggling</div><div>My heart unburdened</div><div><br /></div><div>And as I breathe</div><div>The clock stops</div><div>My heart throbs</div><div>Unbelievably romantic</div><div>All of these go*damn semantics</div><div><br /></div><div>This fire inside consumes me</div><div>I have no time for this</div><div>Any methods of escape</div><div>I promise this I won't regret</div><div>Despite the unacceptable behavior</div><div><br /></div><div>Promise you won't console me</div><div>I'd rather breathe on my own </div><div>Conspicuously bright</div><div>I swear I'll be alright</div><div>Knowing how to get back up</div><div><br /></div><div>Prefer to see it all</div><div>Than to pretend I'm blind</div><div>I'd rather communicate</div><div>Without any words</div><div>Than to constantly just talk</div><div><br /></div><div>The hell with average</div><div>I'd like to see it all</div><div>Every part of life</div><div>Intriguing and deceiving</div><div>I promise I'll survive</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-91089609020712931012011-11-29T15:03:00.000-08:002011-11-29T15:07:49.692-08:00Oh InternetI don't really know who's reading my blog regularly and if any of them are my real-life friends or just browsers of the internet, but if you're my Facebook friend, you've likely noticed my hiatus. This post is not directly related to that, but I thought I'd mention it. <div><div><br /></div><div>I don't really believe in complaining about something like social media websites that you can just delete or quit at any moment, but one thing that really does bother me is the "people you may know" section. Normally, I just ignore it. If I want to add someone, I look for them, and if someone wants to find me, they search me and send me a request. I don't really ever remember adding someone from that section.</div><div><br /></div><div>The real point, however, is that there was someone in the "people you may know" section who I really would be okay with never hearing about or seeing for the rest of my life. I never realized how triggering it could be to see someone so vile and evil (hey, look at that! the same 4 letters rearranged!), not only suggested to be added to my friends list, but also to see the fact that we have 14 friends in common... </div><div><br /></div><div>No thank you. I would not like to be friends with that person, but thanks for ruining my day, Facebook! Lots of love to you, too! HA. </div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7472717086030934466.post-89180957219730333102011-11-28T10:15:00.000-08:002011-11-28T14:01:03.106-08:00The Stranger and The Transition<p style="outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 0px; color: rgb(68, 68, 68); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-auto; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "></p><span><span>This is something that I wrote about the transition which exists between any two people who enter a relationship and end it, for whatever reasons, at whatever time. It's an odd phenomena and my friend and I had a conversation about it which gave me some insight and an ability to put the phenomena in actual words. </span></span><div><br /></div><div>From strangers to more to strangers again~~</div><div><br /></div><div>*****************************</div><div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>Two people who start out as nothing</span></span><div><span><span>Basically strangers</span></span></div><div><span><span>You could practically see each other on the street </span></span></div><div><span><span>And have only a flickering, or a glimpse of recognition</span></span></div><div><span><span>No memories or associations</span></span></div><div><span><span>Nothing to tie one to the other</span></span></div><div><span><span>Nothing to smile about or think about as you fall asleep</span></span></div><div><span><span>Then you become friends; someone to talk to and converse</span></span></div><div><span><span>Chatting, sharing thoughts and ideas</span></span></div><div><span><span>Laughing platonically</span></span></div><div><span><span>And so quickly you become more</span></span></div><div><span><span>The transition happens so fast</span></span></div><div><span><span>Sometimes the line blurs and you hardly notice</span></span></div><div><span><span>A happy haze </span></span></div><div><span><span>Suddenly you're lovers</span></span></div><div><span><span>Two people on the same wavelength</span></span></div><div><span><span>The most beautiful thing </span></span></div><div><span><span>At the right time or at the wrong time</span></span></div><div><span><span>Intimacies beyond just "close"</span></span></div><div><span><span>And then suddenly or maybe not so sudden</span></span></div><div><span><span>You're strangers again</span></span></div><div><span><span>But this time it's different than before</span></span></div><div><span><span>No longer can one say "You’re unrecognizable"</span></span></div><div><span><span>Because your breath may hitch in your throat</span></span></div><div><span><span>At the sight of their face</span></span></div><div><span><span>S</span></span>omeone who changed you</div><div><span><span>Or just impacted you</span></span></div><div><span><span>In one way or a thousand</span></span></div><div><span><span>Things are significant now</span></span></div><div><span><span>Memories loom in the air</span></span></div><div><span><span>And now you're familiar strangers</span></span></div><div><span><span>No longer able to pass them by like they don't exist</span></span><p style="outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 0px; color: rgb(68, 68, 68); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-auto; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "></p></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0