Saturday, April 26, 2014
The bruised is like a potion
Corrupted by the pain
An illusion of a gain
The need to fix is my next fix
Words hurting "just for kicks"
Simply leaving never works
Guarantee it always hurts
Words like poison on your tongue
Love songs always gone unsung
Never what you want to hear
Reuse to shed one fucking tear
Waiting is like a slow death
Sucking out your soul till nothing's left
A curse you always can predict
Seeming to be on the hunt for conflict
Saturday, March 29, 2014
If you let it, some poetry will kill you from the inside out. Before you even realize or have a chance to stop it, it'll turn your heart into stone while cutting off your brains control and access to your tear ducts and you'll be a heartless, crying mess. Poetry is like a hard drug you can't quit, always looking for the next fix. Even though you know it's terrible for you and going to ruin you, you'll search for it everywhere, hastily and obsessively, like the worst kind of addict. It will make a mess of you and you will make a mess of it, looking like a drunk stumbling out of a bar at 2am. Closing time, there's no room in here for love.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Actually, that last sentence aka my latest revelation just blew my mind. Even people or things that you consider lessons (negative to start, but finding the gold in situations) eventually are blessings, because of the way they turn you into the person you are. You can always choose (after a decent amount of healing time) how things will affect you. Either you can become bitter and hold grudges, or you can learn from things and let them take you down a new, more positive road.
I'm ready for the ride that is life, with no more allowances for negative things and people in my life. And if they do slip in? Well, I'm ready for those lessons/blessings, too.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I won't let you break me down, I won't let you get the best of me and make me feel weak and like I need to understand. I deserve better and that is simple. I deserve respect and gratitude and emotional commitment, and I do not deserve someone who will flip flop on me. I put all my effort into things and you made me believe you did too. I trusted you completely and you broke that trust. I told myself before that if you came back and said sorry that I would take you back because I thought I was in love with you, but the truth is you would need to show me something changed. I need to know that you can have this and have me and you won't go off on some depression and cut yourself off from positivity and love.
I miss the person you were for me, so kind and caring, so safe and trusting. I trusted you with everything and it actually felt good to do that. You were there for me no matter what and I could talk to you about anything and I don't know how to feel anymore about losing that. Who do I go to talk to about losing you, when I would talk to you about losing anything? Everything went topsy-turvy and I'm still in shock and not understanding or having any closure drives me insane. And you know that.
I don't write to get even, I don't write to call people out. I write because it's therapeutic and flowing and sometimes it's the only way I can connect and engage when everything in me is forcefully shutting down my emotions and logging me out. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed that I just can't feel anything, as strange as it sounds. Sometimes my head just starts spinning and the frustration builds and I want to slam on the keyboard and break things and the "well-behaved" woman inside me wants to scream because I just can't pretend like everything is perfect when it's not.
People will tell you that you won't get the closure you're looking for, so you might as well just move on, as though you're making a sane decision to not get over something and to sit around and wait for answers. The mind will do what the mind will do, and mine is constantly searching for answers. Mysteries and things that don't add up will perplex me to the end of time. And usually the only thing I've found that totally satisfies my mind is an answer; the closure.
I try to learn from break-ups of sorts (even the non-relationship kind) so that when something goes wrong and I get hurt, I can take something away from it. If a guy or a friend tells me something that I did that was unforgivable or incredibly dissatisfying, I can take that into account and learn a lesson on what to do/not to do the next time. When I have nothing, what have I learned? My heart has currently seemed to have learned not to want to love someone, and my mind has learned to shut off to these emotions. And not in the dramatic way where people fling themselves on their bed and yell, "I will never love again!" but legitimately the fire inside me has been put out.
You knew what I'd been through and you showed me a different way, but in the end you were selfish and didn't show me the care you supposedly had for me and for my feelings. And I suppose in the end, that's what I have to remind myself of every time I start to miss you.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
You made me just to leave
You found me and you lost me
The pain it comes in waves
Swimming in it
I don't feel anything anymore
My walls are closing in
Down I go, up I fall
Can't hold on
Not at all
Friday, April 26, 2013
The problem is that a person can be totally in love with you and sanely, consciously, analytically want to be with you, but their subconscious, insidious problems can sneak up on them from behind and take them down into a deep, scary world where the idea of love is lost in the darkness. They speak words, but they don't make sense. They don't add up and you think about it a million times till your brain melts and it still doesn't.
People talk about there being other fish in the sea and even I've told people about how many billions of people are on this earth when they go through breakups. But the truth is the pain from a break-up doesn't come from thinking I'll be alone forever. I know how many guys are out there. Statistically, there will be at least one other guy who I'd connect with and like in the years before I eventually die at an old age. (100 is okay I think.) The problem is when you're "picky" and you truly, deeply connect with the people you date (and you don't date many people) it's a loss on so many levels. You don't just lose a boyfriend or a lover of some sort, you lose a best friend, a confidant, a source of happiness. It's like you lose everything all at once and the walls close in on you and suddenly you can't breathe when a day ago everything was wonderful.
I know that this breakup was recent so it's natural for me to feel upset, but I'm mostly numb. The pain and thoughts come in waves, but mostly I've gone into shutdown (overwhelm) mode and I just can't properly process things. I'm still somewhat in shock, but deep down it hurts so much I can barely breathe.
Because nobody's ever looked at me the way he did, thought I was beautiful inside and out, a total package, made me feel like a completely whole person, and accepted my flaws.
It's always been you.