Monday, May 27, 2013

When You're Feeling Betrayed

What is wrong with me, why do I still have this desire to please people even after they hurt me? It's not even a sense of propitiation, I actually just possess the tender feelings and the need to make them happy, regardless of the fact that they hurt me so much. It makes things so confusing and difficult.

I won't let you break me down, I won't let you get the best of me and make me feel weak and like I need to understand. I deserve better and that is simple. I deserve respect and gratitude and emotional commitment, and I do not deserve someone who will flip flop on me. I put all my effort into things and you made me believe you did too. I trusted you completely and you broke that trust. I told myself before that if you came back and said sorry that I would take you back because I thought I was in love with you, but the truth is you would need to show me something changed. I need to know that you can have this and have me and you won't go off on some depression and cut yourself off from positivity and love.

I miss the person you were for me, so kind and caring, so safe and trusting. I trusted you with everything and it actually felt good to do that. You were there for me no matter what and I could talk to you about anything and I don't know how to feel anymore about losing that. Who do I go to talk to about losing you, when I would talk to you about losing anything? Everything went topsy-turvy and I'm still in shock and not understanding or having any closure drives me insane. And you know that.

I don't write to get even, I don't write to call people out. I write because it's therapeutic and flowing and sometimes it's the only way I can connect and engage when everything in me is forcefully shutting down my emotions and logging me out. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed that I just can't feel anything, as strange as it sounds. Sometimes my head just starts spinning and the frustration builds and I want to slam on the keyboard and break things and the "well-behaved" woman inside me wants to scream because I just can't pretend like everything is perfect when it's not. 

People will tell you that you won't get the closure you're looking for, so you might as well just move on, as though you're making a sane decision to not get over something and to sit around and wait for answers. The mind will do what the mind will do, and mine is constantly searching for answers. Mysteries and things that don't add up will perplex me to the end of time. And usually the only thing I've found that totally satisfies my mind is an answer; the closure. 

I try to learn from break-ups of sorts (even the non-relationship kind) so that when something goes wrong and I get hurt, I can take something away from it. If a guy or a friend tells me something that I did that was unforgivable or incredibly dissatisfying, I can take that into account and learn a lesson on what to do/not to do the next time. When I have nothing, what have I learned? My heart has currently seemed to have learned not to want to love someone, and my mind has learned to shut off to these emotions. And not in the dramatic way where people fling themselves on their bed and yell, "I will never love again!" but legitimately the fire inside me has been put out. 

You knew what I'd been through and you showed me a different way, but in the end you were selfish and didn't show me the care you supposedly had for me and for my feelings. And I suppose in the end, that's what I have to remind myself of every time I start to miss you.

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